Alzheimer´s eye test Count every "F" in FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... Only once you've counted then see below - Be Honest HOW MANY ? ...................... 3? 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN ! The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

King Oswald had called all the young men of the Kingdom to the walls of his golden castle. Surrounding the castle was a wide moat of deep water filled with many large crocodiles.
It had worked as a great security measure and helped make invading armies think twice before felling its stone walls.
But this day he had a special announcement to make , he was getting old and only had one daughter so who ever married the princess would one day be her escort and aid in running the large kingdom.
The king nodded his head to his master of ceremonies to make the important announcement.
“ Young men of the kingdom, today our great majesty has decided that he wants to see the great Princess Caroline married to a commoner .
Not only does she have beauty and intelligence but is much loved by the people for her concern and services in many charities and welfare projects in the kingdom.
Who ever marries her will find a lady of grace and calm to match no other .
However the king is troubled by neighboring armies and insists on a husband for her who can display extraordinary bravery and sacrifice in securing her hand for a life of wealth and honored responsibilities.
Whoever should consider the fair princess a prize of their dreams may win her hand in marriage by being the first to swim across the crocodile infested moat to ask for her and the kings permission.
At first the crowd was joyous in its applause at the kind offer of such a treasure to mere commoners such as themselves .
And then as they looked around thinking their would be a deluge of young men diving into the water. They realized the crocodiles also seemed to sense the meaning of the occasion and came to the waters edge in a competitive anticipation of a sumptuous feast.
The men in the crowd looked left and right as some removed their shoes to be able to swim faster but as soon as each man stood on the high banks overlooking the moat, the menacing crocs would make them retreat with head bowed.
For many silent minutes the King and princess looked on disappointed at their men so lacking in courage.
When suddenly with a big splash a well built farmer by the name of Giles madly landed in the water. But no sooner had he entered the dark water, a 15 foot crocodile grabbed him by the leg and started giving him the death roll. But farmer Giles was a strong man after so many years of tending his plough .
He ripped the crocs jaws open and kicked it in the belly so hard it took off to avoid further punishment.
Farmer Giles frantically swept forward each stroke bringing him closer to the other bank . But alas two more crocs hungry for a snack grabbed him at the same time . For minutes the poor farmer seemed to not be able to fend them off and three times he disappeared under the the surface with all the crowd watching in baited breath as the green dank water became colorized with his blood.
But suddenly he rushed up for air and freedom having somehow dazed his opponents and in just a few more seconds ran up the banks to safety at the feet of the castle.
The crowd yelled in excitement and the king and princess immediately sent the porters to bring him on their shoulders to their presence.
The princess was blushing with excitement as Farmer Giles though strong and bold seemed to also bear the countenance of a handsome and cultured man.
In silence the king and princess composed themselves while the wild applause from the crowd below and the staff in the castle expressed their mirth at his bravery .
Finally as a pause in the jubilation occurred the king asked to whom he may be speaking and Farmer Giles humbly gave his name.
Then the King said while winking at his daughter “And young man is there a question you would like to ask me.?”
“ Yes your majesty there is” said Farmer Giles.
“ Did you see which idiot pushed me in ?”



Dad I’m eighteen and I need a car ?
I would be delighted to get you one , but could I ask a favor?
Sure thing Dad what is it?
Before I give you the car could you get your hair cut?
But Dad Jesus had long hair .
Yes that’s true , and he walked everywhere he went.

Alabama huntin' dogs

Even the dawgs are all related down there

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

Thanks to KAI Christensen for sending this in.

"For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)":

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

11. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

14. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

15. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you're a catfish."

telling it like it is

.... Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Clyde and the Car Accident

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?' Now what the heck would you say?

The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"

God is Missing

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, "Where is god ?"

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is God ?"

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy's
face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
"What happened to you ?"

Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it. "

Childrens Answers on how to decide who to marry

                               Kids Talk about God

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all 

the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times 

what

 was wrong. Finally, the   boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us 

brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old

 son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a 

seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. 

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment 

and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's 

Prayer for several evenings at   bedtime, she would repeat after me the 

lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened 

with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of 

the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us

 some E-mail.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting 

together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, 

his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in 

church." "Why? Who's

 going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to 

the back of the church and

 said, "See those two   men standing by the door? 

They're hushers."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way 

to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One

 bright little girl replied, "Because a lot of people are sleeping."

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is 

His name. Amen."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a 

better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets 

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. 

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their 

mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He 

would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin 

turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to 

their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say,

" the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

God Will Take Care of Me

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.?"

True Story

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and s tretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:


All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day!